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Just some blonde jokes for you (Sorry if you are a blonde. We know that they really aren't stupid, but they are funny just the same). These were shown on expage.com and jokes.com and we acknowledge that. If you have a problem with these jokes, please email us and we will fix the problem right away.
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
There were 11 blondes and one brunette on a rope climbing up a mountain. They had nothing to hold them to the rope. The rope began slipping and breaking.The brunette said, ''Girls, I'm going to let go of the rope, since it can't hold all of us. Your lives are more important to me. There are also many more of you..." and she made a big speech about how special they were. At the end, all of the blondes started clapping.
A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving really badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, ''Lady, why are you driving so recklessly?'' The blonde said, ''I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!'' The cop looked at her and said, ''Lady, it's your air freshener!''
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see ''Closed for the Winter''.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are crossing an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they run into a fairy. The fairy says that they can be granted a transformation if they jump off the bridge and call out their wish. The brunette immediately jumps off the bridge and yells "Eagle!" She turns into a beautiful bird of prey and flies away. The redhead jumps off the bridge and yells out "Salmon!" She turns into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swims upstream to spawn. The blonde is at this point so excited that she jumps off the bridge without thinking of her wish. She panics.
"Crap!"
There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins getting smashed again."
TOP THINGS TO DO AT MCDONALDS:
1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order
2. Ask prices of everything on the menu and then order something that you did not ask the price for.
3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said ''May I take your order?''
12. When asked if they can take your order say ''Why, can I take yours?''
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
DUMB BLONDE INVENTIONS:
1) Inflatible dart board.
2) Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.
3) A book on how to read.
4) Solar-powered flashlight.
5) Ejector seat on a helicopter.
Conversation stoppers at a funeral:
11) “I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll liven things up!”
10) “Hey! Did I just see the dead guy move?”
9) “Hey, this is the first time Grandpa's been stiff in twenty years!”
8) The sonofabitch is lucky he's dead. He still owes me twenty bucks!
7) (to children) “Be quiet or we'll bury you with him.”
6) “I'll trade you the clock I inherited for the golf clubs you inherited.”
5) “I don't really know him/her. I'm just here for the free food afterwards.”
4) “It's about time. I was getting sick of her whining.”
3) “Is this service over yet? I'm gonna miss the hockey game.”
2) (to Pastor performing service) “So, this is what your ‘God’ does, eh? Kill people and break up families? Tell me... Why do you continue to worship him? He sounds like an asshole.”
1) (to widow) “Well, you're officially single now. Whatcha doin' Friday night?”
These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country....
1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E.today. Please execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12) Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21) Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
23) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
24) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday.His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
TOP TEN CHANGES AT NASA TO ACCOMODATE 76 YEAR OLD JOHN GLENN'S
RETURN TO SPACE ABOARD THE SHUTTLE "DISCOVERY'
10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper.
9. Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees.
8. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.
7. "Early Bird" specials from Morrison's Cafeteria included on menu.
6. One monitor specifically dedicated for "Matlock".
5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.
4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.
3. Installed a new bifocal windshield.
2. Space pants now go up to armpits.
And the number 1 change....
1. Left blinker left on for entire mission.
Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac dyslexic with an agnostic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a 'dog'!
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